What Sea Monkeys Don’t Want You to Know … Secrets Exposed!

What Sea Monkeys do in the privacy of their own fish bowls or castles, or lounging against a sandbank at the bottom of the ocean is really none of your business.

But I know your type.

You have questions.

Like, how many Big Wheels could you stack in Room 237 of the Overlook Hotel?

And … why doesn’t Captain Kangaroo take out some damn ping-pong-ball insurance?

You also have questions about Sea Monkeys, I’ll bet.

I have answers, too, and I’m going to give them to you.

But you have to promise to give these regal creatures some peace and quiet when I’m done, alright?

And let me warn you — what Sea Monkeys don’t want you to know will freaking shock the molten lava lamp right out of your hippie ass.

But you asked for it.

And you asked ….

Are Sea Monkeys real?

Sea Monkeys do, in fact, exist. This is an easily ascertainable fact thanks to the existence of comic books. Particularly comic books from the 1970s.

For instance, here is one from 1971 …

1970s comic book ad sea-monkeys

You can see, though, that Sea Monkeys are actually Sea-Monkeys.

So there is some slight possibility that Sea Monkeys are not real. Sea-Monkeys definitely are, however.

And, lest you have any lingering doubts over whether Sea Monkeys are real, you can go ahead and order some. Or maybe even go to the drug store and buy some.

Once you have Sea Monkeys in your possession, you will likely come to believe that Sea Monkeys are real.

Though, you never really own a Sea Monkey, but he can definitely own you.

What do Sea Monkeys look like?

Sea Monkeys look like monkeys that live in the sea.

More specifically, they are pink, with human faces and and no fur. They have gills or scales on the fronts of their chests, bony protrusions on their backs, and long tails with brooms on the end of them.

They also have fleshy crowns and long, Grinch-like fingers.

So, basically not like monkeys at all, but otherwise, just like monkeys that live in the sea.

Again, see the comic book ad for more details.

1970s comic book ad sea-monkeys

How do Sea Monkeys work?

Sea Monkeys have two-cycle engines in their chests. You can pour two-cycle fuel into their mouths or rub it on their skin, then crank their tails to get them started.

Just remember to choke them before you start cranking, or you’ll just get dry heaves.

If what you meant by this question was, how do Sea Monkeys work to get things done? … well, that’s a bit different.

Typically, they’ll stand next to each other in assembly-line fashion and then do stuff.

Some of the stuff they do includes cranking each others’ tails to get the hearts started, building castles, mining Magic Crystals, and standing on each others’ shoulders to get out of the fish bowl.

What do Sea Monkeys eat?

Typically, most domesticated Sea Monkeys eat packages of Sea Monkey food that come with your order of Sea Monkeys, and that you can buy more of from fine Sea Monkey retailers everywhere.

Sea Monkeys also eat algae, which makes them wonderful swimming pool companions if you are not skittish about swimming around with Sea Monkeys.

Finally, if you get Sea Monkeys wet, expose them to light, and feed them after midnight … well, they’ll eat anything.

Sea Monkeys do not call human babies “algae of the land” for nothing.

sea monkeys food

What are Sea Monkeys lifespan(s)?

A Sea Monkey lifespan is, strictly speaking, the period of time during which a given Sea Monkey is alive.

Typically, this can range from zero seconds to several thousand years, depending on how gullible you are and whether your Sea Monkey is actually a Sea Monkey.

There are several documented cases of Sea Monkeys living well past 100 years in age, but those particular Sea Monkeys were actually humans.

Mostly, things will be going along fine with your Sea Monkeys, and you’ll identify some favorites, get caught up in the emotion of it all. Then, one morning you’ll wake up and find Ralph kind of globbed to the side of the bowl or hanging, lifeless, from Ethel’s mouth.

But if this happens to you — when this happens to you — do not despair!

You see, Sea Monkey screw like bunnies, and you’ll have the bowl filled up with new and better Sea Monkeys than Ralph could have ever hoped to be before you can even flush.

I mean, did that bastard even know how much you loved him?

F him.

Where do Sea Monkeys go when they die?

The comforting answer here would be to say that Sea Monkeys go to Heaven when they die.

That may be true. I mean, how can I really know for sure what happens to a Sea Monkey’s soul once it’s departed the fish bowl?

That is, if Sea Monkeys have souls. Ralph was a soulless bastard if ever I saw one.

But experience tells me that, typically, Sea Monkeys end up in one of three places when they die:

  • Hanging out of Ethel’s mouth
  • Stuck to the glass, then slowly dissolving
  • Flushed down the crapper

Ralph, for example, ended up with a combination of these. Sort of like the Hereafter Trifecta from Hell.

Hmmm … maybe that one is the real answer.

I mean, again, check out the comic book ad:

1970s comic book ad sea-monkeys

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