One of the most important things you’ll learn during your years in school (K-12 in particular) is how to sing “The Girls in France.”
In case you forgot, that’s the ditty that hums along to a tune that you probably first heard from a snake charmer skit on Bugs Bunny.
Only, the words to the “The Girls in France” are forbidden — dark places, dancing girls, missing undergarments, racial slurs.
The are many versions … here’s just one:
But you’re going to learn it.
The key to surviving “The Girls in France” is to not go around singing it. And especially don’t be the guy who teaches others how to sing it.
Because this thing will trash your world if you’re not careful.
Don’t believe me?
Here are just five ways that “The Girls in France” can ruin your life.
Your Girlfriend Will Dump You
How this goes down exactly depends on how old you are.
If you’re, say, still in grade school and have one of those “do you like me yes or no” girlfriends, you’re likely to get branded a weirdo, like, forever if she catches you singing this thing.
You might be able to get by with a careless hum, provided she doesn’t know the words. It’s risky, though.
But if she catches you singing about debauchery … yeah, you’re screwed, because kids aren’t supposed to know about this stuff, even though they do.
If you’re the one introducing adult lyrics to your class, you might gain some respect from certain contingents, but you’ll be best served switching schools.
On the other hand, if you’re older, like high school or Medicare age, the perv factor will likely be dampened by the “you done me wrong” factor.
So, you’re thinking about pantless dancing girls, huh? Well, if that’s what you want, maybe you should just move to France and be done with it!
At the very least, you’ll get a whole lot of silence.
At worst, you’ll get a whole lot of sound, followed by all that silence.
You Will Get Permanent Detention
So, chances are pretty good that you’re going to learn songs like “The Girls in France” all through your school years, and you’ll learn them almost exclusively at school.
They’re a rite of passage and what makes school tolerable.
But you ever notice the guys who teach you these songs?
They’re always in jean jackets, smell like cigarette (?) smoke, and have pimples mixed in among their stubble. All in fourth grade.
They got where they are for a reason, and that’s their mastery of corrupting youth like you, dammit.
All of which is to say, don’t fall into their trap. Don’t pay it forward.
There are plenty of dudes willing to teach the virtues of “The Girls in France” to the innocents of your school, just to stick it to the man.
You don’t have to be one of them.
Because, if you are, and you get caught, Mrs. Benton will send you straight to the principal’s office.
And you know Mr. Roberts has had it in for you since the day you puked on his penny loafers.
You Will Disappoint Your Mom
Here’s the deal … moms always know what you’re doing.
So, if you’re eating all your spinach at lunch every day at school, Mom will find out.
And if you are constantly forgetting to sign your name on your papers, Mom will know.
Hell, if you scratch your crotch under the table during art class … Mom will call you on it.
Rest assured, then, that if you break Suzy’s heart or get your homeroom teacher riled up with your hoochie humming … yeah, Mom’s gonna know.
And she’ll be disappointed in you. Very disappointed.
That’s a guilt too much to bear for a young, formative dude.
Plus, she’ll probably punish you … slaps, belts, liver and onions, early bed time, cleaning the toilet — they’re all on the table.
And if you’re dumb enough to sing “The Girls in France” in your mother’s direct presence?
She’ll tell you how dumb you are. How disrespectful you are. How much you disappointed her. Right to your face.
Then she’ll punish you. Might amp it up with some jumper cables.
In either case, once Mom knows the depths of your depravity, she’s going to call in the old man.
And then …
Your Dad Will Disfigure You
You know the drill, right?
Disappoint your mother, Dad maims a body part.
It’s why “wait ’til your father gets home” is the most terrifying phrase in the English language.
And the other part of the equation is what Dad told you when he sat you down the night before you started Kindergarten — “Don’t get in trouble at school, son. Whatever punishment you get there will look like a cupcake party compared to what I’ll do to you when you get home.”
You live your life by that mantra for five to ten years, and then you’re going to throw it all away for a minute or two of silly song?
Don’t get in trouble at school.
Don’t disappoint your mom.
Don’t let your dad disfigure you.
Your Dog Will Bite You
Look, things don’t get much worse than letting your mom down and getting pummeled by your dad.
But they can get worse.
Because family strife like this will ramp up the tension in your house, and who’s most affected by escalating anxiety?
Children, of course, but that’s you. You’re causing the anxiety.
So, when your normally mild-mannered Rottweiler, Rita, hears the commotion and tastes the tension, she’s going to act out. She’s smart, too, so she’ll figure out who the culprit is.
That’s right, your best friend in the world, your safe harbor in a cesspool of a day, will bite the crap out of you … if you sing “The Girls in France.”
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