Back in 1972, Carl Douglas told us that “Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting,” and we all pretty much took it as gospel.
(And if you think it’s “everyone was kung fu fighting” … well, you, sir/madam, are uncouth and syllabically-challenged).
I mean, the kicks were fast as lightning, so who were we to disagree with any of the rest?
No one, that’s who.
But that doesn’t mean we can’t ask why every body was kung fu fighting.
Fortunately, video evidence has emerged from the dark archives in the last few years to give us some clues.
Consider these seven YouTube videos your road map to ass-kicking enlightenment.
Cee Lo Green and Jack Black
This video shows definitively the importance of teaching young banana children how to defend themselves while jiving pandas flash across the screen.
It’s a worthy cause.
And so is bringing Cee Lo to a new generation of, well, human bananas.
Jet Li and Chris Farley
Chris Farley was the most athletic overweight comedian ever.
And if you don’t think so … well, you’re wrong.
And also, come at me.
Because Farley will fly in from the rafters and lay your ass out.
And it’s awesome that he would, because this is yet another vector for us to remember him by.
Farley was a laugh-leader, and if he was kung fu fighting, he’d make everyone want to kung fu fight, whether they could pull it off or not.
Everybody was kung fu fighting because Elvis Presley was kung fu fighting.
See, from the 1950s through the 1970s, America’s youth would do whatever The King said to do.
And women would love whatever The King did.
And even if you were a grown-ass man but wanted to stay with your woman, you had to do whatever The King did.
So, hell yes … everybody was kung fu fighting.
The Empire would stop at nothing to win the various Star Wars that erupted over the millennia, and that included adopting the eastern arts … especially kung fu.
Of course, the Emperor was a stodgy old pud who wouldn’t take on that sort of pedestrian work himself, and Darth Vader could kick your ass no matter what sort of frou-frou dance moves you rolled out.
But everybody else?
Everybody else — including the stormtroopers — was kung fu fighting.
Turk and Todd
How do you get a leg up on the other surgical residents in your hospital?
Sure, you could outwork them and outsmart them, but those tactics have their limits.
When push comes to shove, what you really have to do is push and shove, kung fu-style.
Turk and Todd show how its done, rising to the top of the Scrubs dojo.
Boy bands sometimes have trouble gaining respect from the gnarly old man crowd … not that they really care. Not with all the young girls falling all over them.
Still, someday, boys from boy bands will be old men with children and grandchildren of their own, and they need a way to save face.
“I may have been fresh and inconsequential,” dudes from The Vamps can say, “but at least I was kung fu fighting, goddammit.”
Eastenders – Grant And Phill
Getting older is tough …
You’re thicker than you used to be.
But you have hair in places it’s not supposed to be.
And it can be even worse for men!
So, sometimes you just need to prove that you still have it, even if you never did.
Grant and Phill show us how it’s done … but they come with a couple of warnings.
“Graphic content may be disturbing to some viewers.”
But otherwise … yeah, everybody was kung fu fighting here, too.
Even if there was a lot of Advil invoked afterwards.
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End Date: Thursday 03/11/2021 18:44:53 EST
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