If you grew up in the 70s or 80s, the world holds a secret weapon against you that they can unleash at any moment — the “As Seen on TV” logo.
You remember it, right?
That red-and-white beast that beckoned to you from store aisles and told you that the offerings therein were exclusive — so exclusive that you could only get them on TV … and right there and then, in that very store.
You were and are powerless to resist, of course.
But did you realize the full extent of that branding’s effects? Doubtful.
To help you out, then, here are seven ways the “As Seen on TV” logo kills your brain and makes you do batshit stuff.
In the presence of the logo …
You Buy Crap
Do you really need a cat-shaped bacon cooker that drains grease into a special dog bowl so you can make Fido chunkier while you also get chunkier even though you’re eating dried-out bacon?
Or do you even have space to store all those driveway rocks you’ve polished with your Wind Polisher 9000? There are only so many redneck rings and necklaces you can make, dude, and nobody’s going to buy them from you.
They’re too busy making their own.
You Buy More Crap
Of course, you — and I — already have plenty of crap, even outside of the “as seen on TV” variety of crap.
How’s that exercise bike working out for you?
Making any progress organizing that junk drawer over there under the phone that’s been disconnected for five years?
So all of the “as seen on TV” crap just piles up on top of the normal crap, and it all turns into a pile of … well, you know.
And, I think, the more crap you get, the more likely you are to get more.
You’ve already crossed the barrier to entry, for one thing.
And you’re already in for so much, you need to keep going until all your crap-buying bets pay off. Maybe the next purchase will be the one that changes your life.
Also … this stuff is like sugar — the more you buy, the more you want to buy.
It’s a cluster of diabetic glaze rolled up in a gambler’s fallacy.
You Watch More TV
I’m pretty sure the mere presence of the “as seen on TV logo” on a product makes you want said product more than you ever would without the added stimulus.
But I’m also pretty sure you’re more likely to buy an “as seen on TV” product if you’ve actually seen it on TV.
Sat through the whole Mr. Pompeil presentation.
Marveled at the grainy demonstration (HD now, I suppose).
And how do you come across more products that are “as seen on TV,” and actually know something about them?
You watch TV.
And since “as seen on TV” is self-feeding (see above), you end up watching more TV.
You Watch More Commercials
But of course, just watching more TV won’t guarantee you’ll see more “as seen on TV” products.
Nope … those things turn up on commercials.
So, to feed your need for crap to covet, and maybe purchase, you’ll end up watching more commercials.
This is tougher to do today, in the age of the DVR, when you can go years without watching any commercials.
But you’re dedicated. You’ll watch.
You Spend More Time in Drugstores
So, eventually, you’ll be out and about, having pried yourself away from the tube for a few hours, or at least a few minutes.
And when you’re out and about, you’ll probably find yourself in a drugstore at some point.
It’s inevitable, because they have things there … like drugs, and candy, and photo developing (!?!) … and “as seen on TV” stuff.
Look, I know humans now buy everything on Amazon and have evolved past our need for interaction with other humans, but you and me … well, we grew up in another time.
And in that time, the 1970s or the 1980s or the 1990s, you could be strolling along in your local Revco when … BAM!
“As seen on TV” hit you right in the face, and damn if there wasn’t a whole pile of Chia Pets just waiting for you to swoop in.
And it was magical, too, because here you had all this mythical, magical crap that existed only on your television, only now it was right there in front of you.
Well, I have news for you … drugstores — and now other stores — still have “as seen on TV” crap, just lurking there next to the the diaper pads, waiting to pounce on your old head.
You Buy More Crap in Drugstores
And the thing about “as seen on TV” crap when you encounter it in drugstores is that it’s right there in your face (like I said).
And you’re already buying Country Living and Nexium and Tucks pads … so what’s another $19.99 for a Mr. Microphone?
So you buy it.
And then you take it home.
You put it on the coffee table next to your macrame-covered tissue box and the latest issue of Ski History … and you realize you don’t want any of them.
But you’re too embarrassed to take them back, or it’s too much hassle, or the company is out of business.
So you pile it all up in that one corner where you can still walk to, and you plop down on the couch.
You flip on the TV, and …
You Repeat the Cycle
How cool that there just happened to be a commercial for the new Secret Love three-cassette compilation on at the exact moment you sat down!
If you could reach your phone, you’d buy it.
But you can’t.
Oh well, you’ll be heading out to Rexall later on.
You forgot the Vicks 44.
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End Date: Monday 03/08/2021 19:05:10 EST
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